Imposter in My Own World

To whoever may come across this blog. I am just an average 28 year old person living in California. The introductions end there.

I intend this blog to be a collection of random thoughts that pass through my mind. In all honesty it may just sound like me venting. I chose to make a blog because as I read back on these thoughts and write it out, it seems like I am finally talking to someone that understands me because out there no matter how hard I try I’ve never experienced a moment where someone truly understands.

I know, in a world with billions of people there must be someone out there that understands you right? I believe so too and yes I live in a world with billions of people but unfortunately my immediate world is a small crumb of that large pie. However, after 28 years of talking to myself, I’ve come to such an obvious realization that there must be people out there that share the same thoughts as I do. Since we have been blessed in this era with something called the internet, why not put this out there. I guess you can call it the digital equivalent of a message in a bottle. These thoughts can be meaningless to some but it could also provide a moment of excitement.

I genuinely hope that these thoughts can resonate with and provide other imposters in their own immediate worlds some sanity and assurance that they are not crazy, weird, or sensitive. At least now then, we as imposters don’t have to feel like we are just talking to ourselves.

Ever since I was young I knew that I was different. And by different I don’t mean the good kind such as sports or musical talent. You get the idea. I was different in that I never felt like I fit in. At every stage of my life I felt like an imposter in the very own world I had no choice but to live in. I failed to find genuine happiness, purpose, motivation in things that everyone else found these in. Within 28 years, the only thing that has changed is my polished ability to adapt and pretend like I fit in. I kid you not I am pretty damn good at it. I would like to think I’ve pretty much perfected it to the point sometimes I actually believe it. Until I snap back into reality and realize I still am and feel like an imposter.

I’ve had and still have “friends” to whom I’ve shared a glimpse of my world but in the end I’ve found that this only furthered the feeling of not belonging. Some people point to the lack of religion in my life or even a lack of a significant other. As an imposter in a society that naturally conforms to societal norms, you often get labeled a whole bunch of things such as weird, strange, ungrateful, or sensitive. It’s usually never in a positive context. I don’t blame them. It is not their obligation to empathize or even sympathize with me. In their eyes I am just an imposter that doesn’t belong. I am the weird one. There is something wrong with me and not them. I get it. Although I may be an imposter in this world. It is ever so apparent that we as people are driven by selfish motivations and find it hard to accept anything different from our own selves. Add individual pride into this mix and your have a recipe for something I want absolutely no part of. This has an amplifying effect as like minded individuals gather to form pockets of society and ultimately develop something we like to glorify as culture.

If you happen to be a part of a group and don’t fit in then good luck to you. Either get out of there or your life is gonna be an emotional roller coaster ride.